Learn to Say NO – Part 1 – Take Back Your Day
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 at 10:09AM ;)
As children we were taught many things about interacting with others: share your toys, play nicely with others, and always be helpful. One skill children are rarely taught, however, is the ability to say NO.
We were taught "say no to drugs" but taught to say YES to everybody and everything else. Some of us even made-out financially from it (re: allowance).
Business owners have an uncanny ability to fill-up-our-day from morning till night. And –if the goal is time freedom– nothing could be more destructive to our well-being.
The ability to say NO to people, tasks, or things that suddenly “come up” is one focus that is changing my life. Part one of this post will discuss the mindset behind saying NO. Part two will cover some communication techniques that will leave you feeling comfortable in your frequent refusals.
As with most behaviors, the INability to say NO starts with our belief system. There is always a single sponsoring thought that causes us to jump on whatever grenade comes our way.
These thoughts are your enemy. Change them, change everything.
Enemy #1. I should do this
Smokers know that every cigarette costs them seven minutes of their life. Similarly, every time a business owner uses the word "should" they are costing themselves seven minutes of their freedom. At least.
The word “should” is a self deprecating word. Its very usage implies that we need to be, do, or have something other than what we are. Every time we use that word, we are making a powerful statement that we are deficient. We are less than. We are broken and require fixing.
“Hey honey! Filling out those jeans a little too nicely, wouldn’t you say? You should lose some weight!”
You wouldn’t say it to others. Don’t say it to yourself.
Instead of “should-ing on yourself” (say it out loud) get in the habit of using the following words: choose, want, or commit. Choosing to do something or committing to something is a heckuva lot more empowering than being less than.
Enemy #2. If I don't do it, it won't get done correctly
This is the rallying cry of every entrepreneur who needs to be in control. The irony is that the need to control your business results in losing control of your life. Eight hour days become twelve hour days. We’ve all had at least one sixteen hour marathon.
Control freak syndrome is common among entrepreneurs and there is much more to say about it then will be covered in this post.
Understand that if someone isn't doing something correctly, it's for one of two reasons. Either you disagree on the interpretation of “correctly” (in which case you can choose to communicate better) or they didn't know how to do the task at hand.
And if that's the case, the big question is "who is responsible for training them, oh wise business owner almighty?" Are they not good enough to do the job? Or are you not good enough to teach them how?
Enemy #3. Helping others is the right thing to do
Yes, I agree that helping others is both noble and extremely satisfying. But only if it's done on my terms. My terms = because I want to, not because I have to.
“Have to” volunteering isn’t volunteering at all. If a judge sentences you to do community service work, you're not going to experience the same sense of self satisfaction as if you showed up “just because.”
When the pervading thought behind our decisions is “I have to help” we are creating our own inner judge.
“Other than breathing, I don’t really HAVE TO do anything today.” Isn’t it more fun to think like that?
Another problem is that we're not always very good in a support role. Every one of us has experienced a time when "let me help you" became “let me do it for you.” The control freak gene takes over whenever it can.
I would encourage you to redefine what the "right thing" is. As entrepreneurs we want to make a tremendous difference in the world. But we cannot make that difference when we are spread so thin that we consistently show up at 60%.
A dear friend (and a fellow owner) once told me that she runs her business like a safety warning on an airplane: “in the event of an emergency, be sure to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.”
The lesson? If you can't breathe, you're worthless to the world. Help others by helping yourself.
Enemy #4. I’ll do it because it’s Bob/I owe him/he’ll be mad if I don’t
Though many would be shy to admit it, sometimes we do things simply for the approval of others. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If you're running your organization with a zero approval rating, you're paying for it with high turnover and customer (dis)satisfaction.
The next time you consider making a decision for somebody else’s favor, remember the old marketing adage: those who try to mean everything to everyone usually end up meaning nothing to anybody.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "what others think of me is none of my business." You can choose for it to be none of yours.
Besides, say no to them today and you'll be better equipped to help them in the future (on your terms) when they really need it.
As an entrepreneur you are a world leader, an influencer, and a rain-maker. We need you to be at your best more than we need you to do anything else.
Learn to Say NO – Part 2 will cover how to communicate NO.
Learn to say no, No, free time, priorities, prioritize, say no, time, time management, time mastery in Time-Mastery
Reader Comments (8)
I couldn't agree with you more on your Enemy #2. When I was a business owner, that was the hardest mental battle I had. How do I let Johnny do x, y and z ... when he doesn't even understand a, b and c yet... However here's an interesting question. I am no longer a business owner. I am an employee. How do I go from learning to delegate to learning that asking questions IS ok & not feeling like the burden in the office??
well said :)
Great question, Satra.
The answer = attack the sponsoring belief. There is some SOURCE THOUGHT that leads you to believe that "asking questions" makes you a "burden."
You'll be the only one to know what that is. But some of them could be:
"I should know how to do this."
"People who ask questions lack intelligence."
"I'm not as smart as everybody around me."
"I need other people's approval and I don't want to appear foolish."
Don't be ashamed if any of these ring true. I was only able to come up with this list because each of these beliefs rang (or ring) close-to-the-heart at one time or another.
Solution = decide to think differently?
How = act.
"People are much more likely to act their way into a new way of thinking, than think their way into a new way of acting." -Richard Pascale
(Love that quote.)
If you're uncomfortable, try being more authentic in your communication.
"Hey, I hate to ask you this, buuuuut..."
"I know we've covered this 1000 times, yet I'm still missing something..."
"I'm bad at asking for help. At the same time, I really want to do this correctly..."
"Can you help me with something? It would REALLY mean a lot to me..."
(People love to help even more than they hate to ASK for help)
If it's your personality, you could always go for: "Hey, I'm trying to be the most annoying person in the office today and I'm accomplishing my goal by asking really important questions. That being said..."
:)
These phrases have always helped me.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Satra!
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "what others think of me is none of my business." You can choose for it to be none of yours.
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